Saturday, October 10, 2015

Musing through the Reflections of the Water


She lives in a world where monsters and magic exist, musing through a lifetime of reflections and ignited distortions. She must see past galaxies smoldering inside their own expansion. Constellations forever changing in shape ignite the way past the holes black in her heart. Our minds cast a light in the intrepid darkness. Utilizing such a spell would mean to could recreate the stars.

Still frames forever changing shape our minds are left hanging from the flash of the camera. we must see past the picture shown to us and discover the truth. 

Moving forward after a long drout of...

    Im not sure why it’s so hard for me to write when I know very well that it's so damn good for me. That once I start it can be very easy to unravel the secrets of my onion layered mind. I know that I am the only person who can give myself true happiness, true depth and true understanding. Often I am in conflict; unsure whats true or whats not. Unsure with myself. I've been confused. What I am looking for is something different than who I’ve been and what I’ve been doing in certain regards. Writing gives me the biggest of reliefs, the most fulfilling understanding but its a feeling that I've coined resembles a dog whose been bad and being smacked by a newspaper. Is it really such an inconvenience to feel a moment of uncomfortability for something that is so good for me? I’ve been so scared of my fate not seeing that in everything that I do is what really creates who I am and what my fate is, what it could be. I’ve been so fearful of my condition that I’ve wanted to run, run as far I can. The future when I think of it looks so bleak, but then at other times it feels so bright and bouncy full of energy and momentum. I’ll lie and tell you I am fine. Really am not sure. Perhaps this is just the effect of my illness and relationship with it. I need to build a relationship with the things, a whole entirety of my being, even the things that I don’t very well like. They are part of me, a part of who I am. I’ve been throwing all my dreams away left and right whilst making incoherent decisions that could one day come back to haunt me. I am an individual who though eccentric has a beautiful creative rhythm to the madness that beats my heart like drums that shock. But I am running about this without my head thinking I am so defected that even if I tried I still wouldn’t stop being defected anyways. That is not true. Whatever is going on there is a cure. I believe it. 

     Cures do not include things that aren't good for my wellbeing or poisons of any kind substances, people, thoughts ect. I have a rare illness thats very bizarre and it will take a long time to figure out it, but the effort is so worth it when all of the effort would bring me all of my other dreams. I've figured out so much and gotten so far. I’ve dreamt of being a blogger, a comic artist, an artist, a writer, a poet, a model, going back to school so that I can one day get a real job. I’ve been hiding under the covers looking for the stars. Things have been very hard leaving me feeling so tired and so lost. My mind has been an enemy...part of it is my attitude, conscious choices and yes some if not many of it are things are that I can’t control. I need to accept what I can and cant control and try to control what I can instead of giving up on myself, giving up on me. I may feel like faceless form of nothingness, but thats only because that’s what I let myself become. I’ve run from my responsibilities to myself and to other people. I wanted to wake up when the demented nightmare was over, but thats not how it works. I must actively try and make the nightmare a dream. The yin and yang will balance each other out, but in order to have true happiness I need to let myself feel, feelings including, pain, misery, disappointment. Working with my being in a constant balanced manner is uncomfortable but much more comfortable than falling on your face and asking and screaming why did this happen to me? I’m in this world where I feel so alone because I don’t have all the answers yet. The faceless distractions have become my enemy and I feel this giant feeling clouding my mind. Feeling I've been losing all that I thought I would be. The past is still tearing me apart, but its something that I must walk away from. Life is not linear, it goes it spirals and patterns. I never planned to be sick, but I can plan to be well.

     Back then in the time I often think about my heart was twisted, my mind was twisted. I fell into a place where I lost all concept of myself while definitely in another person it was not just. It was a moment, experiences I'd never experienced before, it was a place I made of the past that was never going to last. Moments are never going to last but we can cherish them and create new beautiful memories. Being tortured by the past is such a waste of such a bright and beautiful mind. We are fundamentally flawed. I wont one day work hard enough to never have flaws, but I will work hard enough that my flaws can be my ally. I’ve felt tired of those I would consider "abusive" but really they are just unaware and choose not to be.  Helping them was a way that I could hopefully carry that notion into myself, but it never did happen. I was helping people with things that they should have done for themselves. That no longer need  be my choice and I no longer need to be pulled into it. I’ve been running away from things that work. Keeping up with my deadlines, talking to my friends. Working my ass off for the moments that would be really most important. We all need a little bit of a reality check and that enlightenment can bring the most joy. I need to keep moving, never give up. Meditate, yoga, journal, get rid of the poisons and embrace the cures. Whatever it may be that drags me into my demons, my lows, my depression. The sad vocals of a person who cares not to save themselves no more echoes in my mind. I think being alone for the right reasons isn’t so bad. There are so many things that I’ve been thinking of but having a workable schedule would in my mind be most favorable. I have a reason to breath, to sing, to write, to make something of myself and my art, my creativity. I want to keep going and I don’t want to waste my time. Losing time is not sad or so bad. I would say it’s lost time that never had and never will have a purpose to its use. I don’t know how much time I have left and I can’t cry over being damaged. I can learn from my choices, from my experiences. Create a dream. Keep living my dreams.

     I don’t want to be my enemy, I want to be my friend. I want to hug myself and tell myself that I love myself and tell myself what really matters to me, why I matter. Why I am so important, that I am worth it. Because I AM worth it. We are worth it. I want to get rid of the people who are just a waste of time and want to hold me back with their doubts of me. I am not afraid to challenge myself. I wouldn't say I am unafraid but I am strong. I can conquer this without swords, but with the pen...or rather a macbook lol! I want to be a person who is finally building a future and a place to be that doesn’t need the extremes to combat giving into my fatigue, my sadness and things that I haven’t been dealing with for a pause and a moment of sanity. I don’t need to pause my life to get my mind together. I can keep going. I am so strong for what I’ve been through and now it is the time to seize control of my life. I am sorry I smoked those cigarettes in the past, I am sorry I got drunk so many times back then when I shouldn't have. I’m sorry that I kept thinking that another time just wouldn’t matter. I was unable to get out of bed for so long and I know that I am in the waters of falling into that whirlpool again. Because this time I doubt I could ever get out. I want to find myself, create myself with my habits, with the right people in my life. It’s hard to keep people in your life when you don’t know who you are or who you want to be and you’re already an adult. That change is so slippery it seems that you could lose it any second because of how everything constantly changes. I’m sorry that I feel like I’ve let you down, but I am not my feelings and this moment is a success. I can create what it is I truly desire. I can keep afloat but I must start swimming and keep swimming. I may get tired but I will will get stronger.

      Maybe I’ll swim so much that I’ll develop gills to breath and I will be able to look into the depths propelled by a beautiful mermaid tail. There is so many good things that I’ve done and been doing. Juicing organic vegetables and eating organic. Keep up with my best friend. Supporting myself in my own place despite all of this going on. Not losing sight of my dreams despite feeling like I have. The truth is I havent given up faith and I don’t know what it’s like to feel complete or to feel like a success or how to love myself right, but I would like to try. I love you. Thank you for working as hard as you have. Thank you for never really losing faith because I won’t let you down. Were friends now and we’ll never truly be alone when we can rely on ourselves. You’re worth it. I believe in you. You beautiful crazy, interesting girl who never fails to surprise me and sometimes and often in wonderful ways.

The water in this moment is not a scary place full of monsters, but a mesmerizing fantastical reality full of glimmers, hope, depth, truth and love. Thank you for being you and thank you for loving me even though I am flawed.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Inspiration; Getting Up Even When You're Down

Let's do this!

When you feel you've hit an all time low and stuck in your life as if you wouldn't know the first step to get out of this extentuous rut it's time to inspire yourself. It is very overwhelming not only do you have to manage day to day activities, but you must make sure that these day to day activities are really beneficial to your future goals as a person. Often we aren't even sure where we want to take our lives or even realize the amazingness that were capable of. Life can become a slow dull drool where everything is meaningless and our actions don't seem especially important. It is then especially then that we often do things that aren't either good for our higher goals, or for feeling any better at all. The good thing that getting out of such a state isn't as hard as it might seem to be. The best way to go about it is taking small easy steps. If you overload yourself your mind is simply not prepared will want to get frustrated and simply give up.

The most important aspect of changing ones life isn't by making a string list of accomplishments it matters that you have the will and be able to feel good about what you're doing. When I'm stuck the best thing is to take a look at where I'm at in my life and what I have been spending my time doing. The best way to stay in connection with ourselves honestly is with a good attitude, good internal understanding, and a healthy relationship with thinking and doing. Thinking about doing something and actually doing something produces the same feeling of 'accomplishment'. Think to yourself why do I want to accomplish this, how will it benefit me and what will happen if I make this choice or don't at all? This can be the same to be inspired. I often feel so down I don't want to get out of my bed because I don't have the energy due to being anemic, having IBS and gastric autoimmune disorder.

 I may be feverishly fatigued, but the mind is a powerful tool that can reshape how we feel inside and out. I often feel small against my sickness and my stigmatized mind. A mind is a great thing and our feelings are great at alerting us of many things including stress. It also gets easy to get drawn into that feeling and not do anything until it finally changes course whether by our choice or one out of our control if we wait long enough. The great thing is that we can be that change and we can be the navigators of our own feelings. An amazingly awesome English Professor of mine once gave me some powerful advice "You are not your feelings".

Often I feel that I am completely dictated by the overwhelming nature of my sensitive temperament, but the great thing is that in can be mind over matter. The first thing I look at is what I've been overly concerned with and simply say okay I feel this way. Oh well. I accept that feeling and then I embrace it. I then think what's one thing that I could do to simply get me started and in the right direction. Often enough it's thing you need is how to get started on your glorious endeavor. It could be how to start the day, project or something to change the direction of your thinking.

 After doing one small task I feel pretty mighty and realize that I can do other things that would eventually make me feel the way I'd like to feel. I think what are four very important things that I could do today that would make my time on earth worthwhile. Today for me it was writing this article, catching up with a wonderful lady friend of mine, instead of obsession,  I accommodated my illness with a small nap (ultimately wasting less of my precious energy and zen), and read tarot for someone helping them see a situation in a new light.  Being more confident in my abilities, having somewhat of a routine, not questioning why I want to get out of bed, and being more open to doing instead of living in my head. Balance is key, too much thinking leads to rumination, and to much do can lead to recklessness and no sense of direction.

That reality that is unseen possibly the reality that you didn't know that you could have is a possibility is waiting for you and it's simply waiting for you to plant the seed and watch it grow. I carry on doing small things until I realize that all of those small things have vastly improved the quality of my life. One beautiful tool a.k.a book that I can recommend is the how of happiness. It has different activities that are geared to help you have LONGTERM happiness, and that is what really drew me in. It's not written in guru format, it's happiness in a scientific method, having done plenty of happiness studies on participants. Written by Sonya Lyubomirsky, she focusing on a scientific way of becoming happy. The book suggests that you pick just a few, like three, activities that fit you being ones that would be most helpful and the most easiest (playing to your strengths). That way it is easier to succeed and you feel less struggle frustration than what you are currently feeling. It is easy to read, and has statistics and often she even writes how the activities affect her personally. 

One of the easiest was writing simply at the end of the day a few things that happened well for you. Journaling and sort of seeing the positive or a new way to look at a difficult situation. But the one that I will really be talking about is Our Best Possible selves. This can be a meditative acitivity , but it can also simply be writing. Either way I prefer to do both. In this acitivity you view your future self at any length of time perhaps a month, perhaps a year or five depending on how you want to utilize this. This is where you imagine yourself having everything going according to plan. All the things you wanted to do you've done who you wanted to be you are. Who do you see yourself as? I saw myself becoming familiar with one musical instrument, learning how to sing, being healthier, being more accepting and understanding, being willing to have more fun, progress made with my art and writing, and somehow working my way around my sickness to model.

Perhaps dreaming about your life is a fantasy as it hasnt happened yet but the power in realizing what you really want out of your life being who would make you happy is the magic catalyst. You can either dream sleeping or awake and chasing them.  Being inspired to try new things, change, and recommit everyday to goals was heavily advocated by Oprah.

Charge the flame for your inner fire you're going to succeed, do what you've always wanted you'll reach it. Inspiration is not constant and it comes and goes and when it goes it will come back. Creating goals that you'd like to accomplish and utilizing small steps to get to that goal is a very valid route. A step at a time and you'll be there with constant continuous small steps than overwhelming hard to grasp big steps that most likely aren't really definitive. When you make your goal your actions rather than something ambiguous like becoming a magnificent artist it makes it so much easier. When you start trying and you're aren't that magnificent artist you'll want to give up since in reality that is your goal, you'll compare yourself to your goal and always feel like you haven't measured up. When you're goal is doing small things and taking enjoyment in small steps you know just what to do and that feeling of certainty can really boost confidence and it really wont seem so big deal. You're important, lovely and possibilities are infinite. What will you allow yourself to create? It's all in your hands being your own solution. You got this!

Friday, December 6, 2013

Linnifred's Introduction

Hello conscious world, I am Linnifred. I am a lucid dreamer who wishes to utilize such beautiful disillusionment as the transformation of my soul. I am in a portion of my life that I wish to meet with less suffering. I have always wished to be perfect and with that I have only met the painful reality that perfect never existed and that I’d always make mistakes. Writing this will really be just another big mistake on my part, but I think I’d like to keep making mistakes. I realized that all the collective ”mistakes” I’ve ever made really were the credit for any later successes that I’ve had. Transformation through the act of trying to be my best mistake my flawed soul has ever made. As a lucid dreamer I can utilize the world I’m into the blossoming change that I’d like to embark on through the journey of writing. I’ve always felt without a voice and because of such perspectives I’ve come across as outspoken. Now that I can sing a song of life and love I can articulate the wonders of founding my own enlightenment.
I’ve always been rather odd and on top of that suffering from intense mental illness. On Febuary 14 2013 I met the straw that broke the camels back. My chronic physical illness then transformed and disabled me from doing all the far away dreams that would then make me perfect. I could no longer be a learn martial arts, model, work in a successful career, get control of my anxiety as every reaction I get with my disorders augers a sense of self blame making the ailment exaggerated. I had a huge list of things that I wanted to do with my life and when I realized I would never could never I was very depressed. I’ve reconstructed so many plans to have every dream all happen at once so in that way I didn’t have to abandon any of the dreams. That never worked as some dreams must be let go as a sacrifice to the time it does take for any one dream to really manifest in reality. I’ve learned you cannot plan life. If you can go with the flow and accept things will come much quicker than later. 
I had no support from anyone but my lover at the time who became too burdened with sadness of seeing me hurt by my condition. We separated. Now I have no one but myself to look for answers and I know deep inside me I can transform and no longer be a participant of the suffering of suffering.  I intend to write everyday and utilize this platform to truly do everything I’ve ever wanted to do. Because of writing I have a sense of accomplishment that enables me not to view the restrictions of being sick. There is a sense to realism in this dreamers mind that there are things I can do and things I can’t. I am glad that I know the difference. While focusing on what I can do I will be more than delighted to contribute to my evolution as a person who know longer wants to be amongst the flowers. You and I are gorgeous masterpieces that stand prominently and can stand any weather. We are like trees raising our branches to the limitless sky of possibilities. The horizon is above us and what we cant see still exists. Beautiful realities are possibilities. Let me share with you my beautiful transformation only to help you realize that you too are beautiful and capable of anything.