Saturday, October 10, 2015

Musing through the Reflections of the Water


She lives in a world where monsters and magic exist, musing through a lifetime of reflections and ignited distortions. She must see past galaxies smoldering inside their own expansion. Constellations forever changing in shape ignite the way past the holes black in her heart. Our minds cast a light in the intrepid darkness. Utilizing such a spell would mean to could recreate the stars.

Still frames forever changing shape our minds are left hanging from the flash of the camera. we must see past the picture shown to us and discover the truth. 

Moving forward after a long drout of...

    Im not sure why it’s so hard for me to write when I know very well that it's so damn good for me. That once I start it can be very easy to unravel the secrets of my onion layered mind. I know that I am the only person who can give myself true happiness, true depth and true understanding. Often I am in conflict; unsure whats true or whats not. Unsure with myself. I've been confused. What I am looking for is something different than who I’ve been and what I’ve been doing in certain regards. Writing gives me the biggest of reliefs, the most fulfilling understanding but its a feeling that I've coined resembles a dog whose been bad and being smacked by a newspaper. Is it really such an inconvenience to feel a moment of uncomfortability for something that is so good for me? I’ve been so scared of my fate not seeing that in everything that I do is what really creates who I am and what my fate is, what it could be. I’ve been so fearful of my condition that I’ve wanted to run, run as far I can. The future when I think of it looks so bleak, but then at other times it feels so bright and bouncy full of energy and momentum. I’ll lie and tell you I am fine. Really am not sure. Perhaps this is just the effect of my illness and relationship with it. I need to build a relationship with the things, a whole entirety of my being, even the things that I don’t very well like. They are part of me, a part of who I am. I’ve been throwing all my dreams away left and right whilst making incoherent decisions that could one day come back to haunt me. I am an individual who though eccentric has a beautiful creative rhythm to the madness that beats my heart like drums that shock. But I am running about this without my head thinking I am so defected that even if I tried I still wouldn’t stop being defected anyways. That is not true. Whatever is going on there is a cure. I believe it. 

     Cures do not include things that aren't good for my wellbeing or poisons of any kind substances, people, thoughts ect. I have a rare illness thats very bizarre and it will take a long time to figure out it, but the effort is so worth it when all of the effort would bring me all of my other dreams. I've figured out so much and gotten so far. I’ve dreamt of being a blogger, a comic artist, an artist, a writer, a poet, a model, going back to school so that I can one day get a real job. I’ve been hiding under the covers looking for the stars. Things have been very hard leaving me feeling so tired and so lost. My mind has been an enemy...part of it is my attitude, conscious choices and yes some if not many of it are things are that I can’t control. I need to accept what I can and cant control and try to control what I can instead of giving up on myself, giving up on me. I may feel like faceless form of nothingness, but thats only because that’s what I let myself become. I’ve run from my responsibilities to myself and to other people. I wanted to wake up when the demented nightmare was over, but thats not how it works. I must actively try and make the nightmare a dream. The yin and yang will balance each other out, but in order to have true happiness I need to let myself feel, feelings including, pain, misery, disappointment. Working with my being in a constant balanced manner is uncomfortable but much more comfortable than falling on your face and asking and screaming why did this happen to me? I’m in this world where I feel so alone because I don’t have all the answers yet. The faceless distractions have become my enemy and I feel this giant feeling clouding my mind. Feeling I've been losing all that I thought I would be. The past is still tearing me apart, but its something that I must walk away from. Life is not linear, it goes it spirals and patterns. I never planned to be sick, but I can plan to be well.

     Back then in the time I often think about my heart was twisted, my mind was twisted. I fell into a place where I lost all concept of myself while definitely in another person it was not just. It was a moment, experiences I'd never experienced before, it was a place I made of the past that was never going to last. Moments are never going to last but we can cherish them and create new beautiful memories. Being tortured by the past is such a waste of such a bright and beautiful mind. We are fundamentally flawed. I wont one day work hard enough to never have flaws, but I will work hard enough that my flaws can be my ally. I’ve felt tired of those I would consider "abusive" but really they are just unaware and choose not to be.  Helping them was a way that I could hopefully carry that notion into myself, but it never did happen. I was helping people with things that they should have done for themselves. That no longer need  be my choice and I no longer need to be pulled into it. I’ve been running away from things that work. Keeping up with my deadlines, talking to my friends. Working my ass off for the moments that would be really most important. We all need a little bit of a reality check and that enlightenment can bring the most joy. I need to keep moving, never give up. Meditate, yoga, journal, get rid of the poisons and embrace the cures. Whatever it may be that drags me into my demons, my lows, my depression. The sad vocals of a person who cares not to save themselves no more echoes in my mind. I think being alone for the right reasons isn’t so bad. There are so many things that I’ve been thinking of but having a workable schedule would in my mind be most favorable. I have a reason to breath, to sing, to write, to make something of myself and my art, my creativity. I want to keep going and I don’t want to waste my time. Losing time is not sad or so bad. I would say it’s lost time that never had and never will have a purpose to its use. I don’t know how much time I have left and I can’t cry over being damaged. I can learn from my choices, from my experiences. Create a dream. Keep living my dreams.

     I don’t want to be my enemy, I want to be my friend. I want to hug myself and tell myself that I love myself and tell myself what really matters to me, why I matter. Why I am so important, that I am worth it. Because I AM worth it. We are worth it. I want to get rid of the people who are just a waste of time and want to hold me back with their doubts of me. I am not afraid to challenge myself. I wouldn't say I am unafraid but I am strong. I can conquer this without swords, but with the pen...or rather a macbook lol! I want to be a person who is finally building a future and a place to be that doesn’t need the extremes to combat giving into my fatigue, my sadness and things that I haven’t been dealing with for a pause and a moment of sanity. I don’t need to pause my life to get my mind together. I can keep going. I am so strong for what I’ve been through and now it is the time to seize control of my life. I am sorry I smoked those cigarettes in the past, I am sorry I got drunk so many times back then when I shouldn't have. I’m sorry that I kept thinking that another time just wouldn’t matter. I was unable to get out of bed for so long and I know that I am in the waters of falling into that whirlpool again. Because this time I doubt I could ever get out. I want to find myself, create myself with my habits, with the right people in my life. It’s hard to keep people in your life when you don’t know who you are or who you want to be and you’re already an adult. That change is so slippery it seems that you could lose it any second because of how everything constantly changes. I’m sorry that I feel like I’ve let you down, but I am not my feelings and this moment is a success. I can create what it is I truly desire. I can keep afloat but I must start swimming and keep swimming. I may get tired but I will will get stronger.

      Maybe I’ll swim so much that I’ll develop gills to breath and I will be able to look into the depths propelled by a beautiful mermaid tail. There is so many good things that I’ve done and been doing. Juicing organic vegetables and eating organic. Keep up with my best friend. Supporting myself in my own place despite all of this going on. Not losing sight of my dreams despite feeling like I have. The truth is I havent given up faith and I don’t know what it’s like to feel complete or to feel like a success or how to love myself right, but I would like to try. I love you. Thank you for working as hard as you have. Thank you for never really losing faith because I won’t let you down. Were friends now and we’ll never truly be alone when we can rely on ourselves. You’re worth it. I believe in you. You beautiful crazy, interesting girl who never fails to surprise me and sometimes and often in wonderful ways.

The water in this moment is not a scary place full of monsters, but a mesmerizing fantastical reality full of glimmers, hope, depth, truth and love. Thank you for being you and thank you for loving me even though I am flawed.

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